Re: "I'm Christian, unless you're gay."

In response to Dan's article:

Ya know, I've had four different people tell me on separate occasions that they'd have killed themselves if it wasn't for me. Simultaneously, I've had far more people than that tell me that I should kill myself. Because I'm gay. Not because I did anything, or because I offended them, or came onto them or whatever nonsense. Simply because I like men. I have lived in Utah Valley my whole life (aside from this summer, which was spent in California). Throughout my life I'd been taught to hate myself. I was taught that I wasn't worthy. Of anything. I was taught to pray, hope, wish, torture it out myself, but never to embrace it. Because doing so would be submitting to the devil. It got to the point where I'd cry myself to sleep, praying with everything I had that I would either wake up straight or not wake up at all.

But the part that hurt the MOST? That people would say it without thinking. It reminded me of a quote from a page I follow on Facebook: "Be careful of who you hate; it might be someone you love." I'd hear it from my own family. My friends at school. "Fag." (Just as an informative measure, this term was coined when it was decided that giving homosexuals a proper burial after their execution [for homosexuality] was too good, so they just burned them instead. Like a cigarette. Or, a fag.) "Homo." "Queer." "Fairy." I'd hear this all. From everyone. My parents. My friends. My leaders. And if my LEADERS couldn't accept me, how could I accept myself?

Then I got the ball rolling in December of 2007. I told my three closest...'friends'. Who promptly abandoned me, deleted me on Facebook and took all measures to ignore my texts and calls. They couldn't understand. They couldn't see the pain. I was desperate. Clawing for any piece of positive human attention. Things got gradually (I repeat, gradually) better over the next two months. Then, in March, I got a call from one of them. I was so excited. I'd been playing Guitar Hero II (I'm awesome, by the way) and I heard a ringtone I'd set for this friend a good four or five months previous. I thought, "No way." But I pulled out my phone and sure enough, it was Brandon. Did they actually want to hang out? Or might it even be...(dare I dream it?) a surprise party (My birthday is April 1st)? It couldn't be. It had to be too good to be true. Which it was. Turns out, they just needed help with their math homework. I had become a tool. A mental Swiss Army Knife, to be called upon when needed but never more. Sure, they even had the bollocks to ask for my help at school (talking to a gay kid in public, we're gettin' super Liberal here!). But none of them dared to call me their friend. I had NEVER felt so alone.

I'd see them at school, in classes, and on the bus. But rarely would they acknowledge my presence, much less make eye contact. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand them being so close without feeling desperate urges to draw their attention. At this point, negative or positive attention would do. I just didn't want to feel so worthless. The school year ended without having cleared anything up well. Meaning I got to spend it alone. In July, I finally told my parents. Sort of because I wanted them to know anyway, but mostly because I wanted SOME kind of attention. I needed empathy, compassion, understanding. They didn't provide it. They weren't INtolerant, but they certainly rushed through the conversation and made to ignore it as swiftly as possible.

My Junior year began. I met Troy. Troy was my best friend throughout that entire school year and the following summer. He's straight, but still supported me. Even when I told him that I was developing feelings for him. In all logical sense, that was a dumb move, but emotionally, if I didn't let him know, it'd have felt like I was taking advantage of our friendship. Which seemed quite low, considering all of the support he'd given me. He did alienate himself slightly more after that point, but he didn't ignore me. He wanted to help me. Even if the kind of help he was offering wasn't the type of help I wanted or needed, it felt incredible to have someone who cared. He and I are still friends to this day.

Senior year was when it all (finally) came together. My old friends came around. And though we really never did anything together again, I was still acknowledged and, ultimately, loved. Our life paths had simply diverged to the point where it would have been illogical to try to merge them. But we respect and accept our differences, and we are all stronger for it. Senior year is also when I started hanging out with some of my best friends more regularly. One of whom was in my German class in 9th grade and Astronomy in 11th. At first I was nervous to have him find out I'm gay (as I am with most of my friends--coming out isn't a one-time thing. Gay people come out over and over and over again throughout their lives, with every new person they meet.), but only to find out that the fear was unwarranted--his dad is gay. And another friend who's a straight ally. And when I say ally, I mean he's been to more Pride Festivals than I have, and I'm gayer than a handbag full of rainbows.

Senior year was also the year I had a class at American Fork High School, as opposed to Lone Peak. American Fork is decidedly more liberal, and it really showed. Perhaps it was the fact that it was a Japanese class and the students were inherently more accepting (the Anime fanbase is generally far more accepting than most conservatives around here), but I couldn't help but feel...safe.

The end of my senior year was a year and a half ago. I can still picture the hallways--I have a natural tendency to want to make eye contact with everyone, and walking down the hall was torture. There were people everywhere, and none of them would remotely acknowledge my existence, much less make eye contact.

All in all, with the help of some good friends, I found my way. But I wouldn't have gotten lost had it not been for the influences bearing down upon me earlier on in my life. Do I look upon those years with distaste? Certainly. Would I change anything about my past? Absolutely not. My past experiences have shaped me into who I am, and if I say so myself, I'm pretty awesome. I've learned and grown and embraced, and that's imbued me with what I'm told is wisdom beyond my years. Now I get to share that with everyone else.

On a side note, please talk to me. About anything. To vent. To scream. To cry. Life is beautiful. And Dan, thanks again for posting that article. It's about time the Holy slap in the face was dealt.

The Repeal of DADT

Don't Ask, Don't Tell. The staple for the military's views on homosexual soldiers and service men/women. It pretty much said, "Don't tell me if you're gay, because then you get a dishonorable discharge." Throughout the years we developed a tendency to ignore the existence of homosexuality in the military because of that. But now, as it has been brought to light, it has finally been deemed unconstitutional. Effective 9/20/2011, gay and lesbian soldiers will be admitted to the military and allowed to practice their sexuality openly. What does this mean?

For the military, it means that social barriers will be going up and down in a frenzy. I'm certain that we'll see a series of small explosions resulting from the more (irreversibly) ignorant soldiers finding out that a long-time bunk mate or best friend has liked dudes the entire time. One of the more common (and dumber, really) questions is, "Will this infringe on my right to practice my own religion?" No. Idiot. Just as Mormons can serve in the military with people who drink, smoke, curse and tattoo all over their bodies, you can still practice your religion if I join up, even if I like penis. I promise I won't lock you in my sex dungeon and keep you from going to Sunday mass.

The only really practical concern is that of the relationships between the soldiers. The underlying problem being not of homosexuals joining and coming out, but rather the homophobes letting their own insecurity, anxiety or hatred stop them from performing and living in a manner that has become expected of them. I can imagine that it might be an uncomfortable situation, but at the same time I also see America moving toward a new era of love and acceptance.

At this point in time we're being 'tolerated'. Put up with. We're a chore. But things are getting better. Gay marriage is legal in six states, and last Wednesday a hearing was held regarding the negative effects DOMA (The Defense of Marriage Act) on married same-sex couples. The world will continue to improve, and even if I don't live to see the changes, I'll die happy knowing that they're on their way.

-Manchild

Osama Bin Laden

On May 1st, 2011, we as Americans celebrate the death of Osama Bin Laden. Hundreds upon hundreds of citizens gather at Ground Zero to celebrate. But celebrations aren't all that's happening.

The crowd formed as a party, a celebration. But within minutes, the cheers and screams organized themselves into chants and songs. 'God Bless America' and 'The Star Spangled Banner' were audible among the crowd, drawing forth the unity that hasn't been seen in America since the 9/11 bombing itself. Tears streamed down the faces of partygoers and spectators alike, including myself, watching the report from my house in Pleasant Grove.

It amazes me that we as people divide ourselves with so many fine boundaries: race, religion, ethnic background, past events. It also amazes me that such an occurrence as this occurs and those lines vanish. Such little things don't matter anymore. We are all humans, and beyond that, we are all Americans. And though we fight and bicker and argue, our larger goals are identical. And THAT is our common ground. THAT is what unites us.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Love can Change Facebook, why not the World?

Love can change the world. It’s an incredible thing. Just last night, a message went out on Facebook to ‘like’ a page entitled ‘I hate gay people’, so that we could educate them. When I joined, there were roughly eighty members. Most of which were LGBT. Not twelve hours later, there were over 500 members, and very few of them were non-LGBT. There were posts every minute or so, each expressing their love for their boyfriend, girlfriend, or people in general. It was uncommon to see any hurtful messages. Everybody on that page was showing such love and understanding as human beings. It made me think.

How different would the world be if everybody had a voice? If everybody was proactive in their opinions? By the looks of it, there are far more people who are gay-friendly than not. It’s an incredible thing, really. So many people with such philosophical and deep ideals and truths should not keep it to themselves. At first it’s because they’re shy, but at a certain point it becomes plain selfish to withhold that insight from other people who could benefit greatly to it. Though it’s very few people who will ever see this, I want to encourage you to look inward. Find what’s there. And once you’ve found it, share it with the world. The world can always use your beauty.

That being said, I also want to encourage people to be themselves. It’s come (greatly) to my attention that people tend to do things not because they genuinely want to, but because they believe that it will please somebody else. Please, think about this carefully. Be you. If you’re you, then the people who enter and exit your lives will do so with good reason. “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” –Dr. Seuss. Those around you who truly love you will appreciate and be glad that you’re being yourself. Don’t limit yourself because you’re afraid of being judged or condemned. It ends badly on both ends. So here is my challenge: Don’t change ANYTHING about yourself for one day. Be honest with everybody, and let your true personality come forth. Let your mood come out, too. If you’re pissed, let those around you know that you’re pissed. If you’re happy, shoot rainbows and smiles and hugs at everybody. Let your mood manifest in however you would have it manifest. Because you are you, and you are unique.

The Beauty of the World

You are beautiful. You've heard it in songs, in books, in magazines, maybe even in other blogs. Maybe you've read it in texts, or been told so personally, be it by peers, partners, parents, or other words that begin with the letter 'P' so as to continue this beautiful alliteration. Postmen? Uhh...let's avoid that one. Anyway. My point is that too many people tend to disregard this statement, because it has lost its meaning. People hear it when the teller has no sincerity, or maybe they just hear it so much that it just doesn't mean what it should.

People hear the word 'beautiful' and think of a blond-haired, blue-eyed anorexic bitch (Utah County, anyone?). But beauty goes so far beyond physical appearance. And when we think of it as mental or emotional, we think, "Be a good person." Though that does mean a lot in certain circumstances, that isn't ALL it has to mean. Be an individual, be caring, responsive, helpful, supportive, loving, compassionate, empathetic, logical. Be YOU. Because there are beautiful things about you, inside and out. Whether you can see them or not, other people do. Though at times it's tough to find people who appreciate the beauty in you, it's a lot more fun to do than trying to be something you're not so that you can live up to what people have come to call beauty.

Unconditional Love (With Conditions)

Manchild here!
Today I wanted to approach something that strikes me as absolute ludicrity. Living smack in the middle of Utah County, I've been exposed to all kinds of parents. The kind who straightout say that they won't love their children under certain conditions, the kind who genuinely do love unconditionally, and those who never bring it up at all. But those about whom I'll be talking (or writing, I guess) are the parents who claim to have unconditional love for their children and those around them, but said love seems to vanish when drugs, alcohol, tattoos, piercings, sex or sexual orientation come into question.

The thing about that is that it's not real unconditional love. It's love centered around the condition that you don't do anything to upset the 'perfect little family' that people seem to think that they have. In my personal opinion, that's not even real love. Loving someone is when you know that you would do anything for that person, no matter what. It has no place in a society where all of those frowned-upon choices dictate how much love a person can receive from the general public. In all honesty I think it's mostly about parents being selfish--if their son/daughter is into drugs, or got in a fight, or got a tattoo, then suddenly that makes them bad parents. But we have choices, just like they do. And some are not choices.

At a certain point it becomes a question of how much you really want to be with a person. Recently my friend, whom I hadn't seen for a month and a half, told me that in that time he met a girl, liked her, dated her, they got together, he found something he didn't like about her, thought it was worth breaking up, broke up, she changed, she wanted him back, and they're dating again. In a relationship where unconditional love exists, you love everything about a person. And surely, if you've found something you don't like about a person enough to break up over, it's probably not something that can be changed within so little time. In an ideal world, we could live and let live. Love and let love.

Philosophy of Religion

THE PHILOSOPHY OF RELIGION

According to Manchild

Welcome! If you’re reading this, it either means that I love you enough to let you, or that you’re going through my stuff without my permission. Either way, remember to read with an open mind. Preferably an open, unbiased mind, but let’s be honest: We’re all a little bit biased. That being said, I’m going to go ahead and dive right into the controversy (like I haven’t done that before, right?). Let’s not let this impair our relationship (whatever that may mean between us)!

What is Religion?

I suppose one of the more fundamental questions to be asked at this point is what exactly entails a religion. It’s commonly accepted to be a set of beliefs, standards, habits, etc. to be followed by its members. Several religions are even essentially simply philosophical judgments of one’s own life. Granted, there’s a spectrum in every religion of how well people follow theirs. I know people who follow every aspect of their religion (those people frighten me, quite honestly) and those who take their ten commandments more as ten suggestions. Anyway, now it's time to jump right into the controversy (because I haven't done that before, right?).

Why do we Need Religion?

       Many people beg the question, “Why do we need religion?” Well, the answer you’ll get from that question depends solely upon the person whom you’re asking. Most psychologists and sociologists will tell you that it’s a blanket people use to shield themselves from having to accept a horrible reality. Of course pastors, bishops, reverends, rabbis, ministers, etc. will tell you that we need it to be saved, so that we can go to Heaven. In my own opinion, it’s simply a misperception of sensations that we receive from the world around us. But I’ll get more into that later.

       The truth is, however, that without religion, the world would spin into chaos. People would lose all purpose and direction and society would implode upon itself. We as humans need to know that such a being and philosophy is real. For with most religions, people no longer need to worry about death. Nor do they need to worry about feeling guilt—with some bread and water, their wrongdoings have vanished. Tossed into the idealities are principles that promote spiritual, emotional, mental and even physical health. Why not join up, right? Religion is the country club of human ideology.

The Problems with Religion

This is where I suggest you stop reading if you’re one of my happy church-going friends.

       Oh…where to begin? Having grown up Mormon until I was about sixteen, I’ve seen every angle of the Church possible. I’ve seen it from outside and within. I even believed it for a good amount of my life. However, I try to base my life on several principles and standards. Among them, empathy, intellect, compassion and logic. And when a topic such as religion rolls around, I can’t help but utilize the logical side of my being.

       So I began asking myself the big questions. The questions that spurred religion into existence in the first place. Who am I? Why am I here? Is there a God? Heaven or Hell? After rounding the bases several times with these questions, I landed on Agnosticism.

       And, to satisfy any curiosity, here’s how I ended up answering these questions: I’m a carbon-based life form, the product of millennia of evolution. I’m here because my parents had sex. There is not a God, but a similar presence that governs and dictates all. It holds all of the information that ever was or will be, more commonly known as the Archives of the Universe. Heaven and Hell are solely our need for punishment and reward. But there are no such places. Today, religion has become almost as political as it is spiritual. You see stories all the time of people being beaten, murdered, threatened, mutilated, humiliated, bribed or blackmailed, all too often stemming from religion. For example, the Mountain Meadow Massacre, in which an army of Mormon stormed a Paiute village and killed all but a handful of people. But it’s okay because God told them to do so.

       I recently watched an independent film entitled ‘Jesus Camp.’ It documented the Summer of several Evangelical Christian children as they attended a Bible camp in North Dakota and included a large amount of footage from the camp itself. They had one goal in mind (it seemed so, at least): Create the next Conservative generation. Roughly 25% of the US population is Christian. The head of the Evangelical Church has been seen (in the same documentary) laughing about the fact that he has so much power in politics, simply because of their numbers.

       Separation of Church and State is becoming laughable in certain situations, and even removed from some public schools.

The Christian Glossary

Really, though. If you don’t hate me already, and you’re one of my Church-going friends, stop here. Seriously.

God:      The Universe and its knowledge and Power

Prayer:  A form of meditation in which a person sharpens his connection with the universe.

Spirit:    What people think they’re feeling when at their peak of attunement to the universe.

Repentance:       Purely psychological—just clearing the conscience.

Faith:    The very attunement one has with the universe.

Divine:   When a person successfully taps into the Archives of the Universe.

Miracles:      Attunement to the Universe has granted a person infinitesimally small small access to its power through sheer power of desire and will.

Holy Ghost/Spirit:      Either Archives of the Universe or a conscience, subjectively.

Scripture:    Magic book of ancient secrets with no merit or proof.

Laying on of hands:  This one has significance in that our energy travels through our hands.

Blessing (1): Ritual to prepare food or initiate some sort of activity, to bring joy, safety and wisdom. A prayer.

Blessing (2): Tapping into both the universe and one’s own energy to heal or prepare someone. Whether or not it works depends on the ‘faith’, or attunement to the universe, of both the giver and receiver of the blessing.

Baptism:      The idea that dipping someone in magic water will make them morally perfect. Sorry, this one is utterly ridiculous to me.

Heaven/Hell:       My own belief is that people will ‘live’ in a world that they genuinely believe that they deserve at the end of their life. However, this seems to me like a way for people to justify hatred, and a way to convince themselves that people will receive some sort of punishment or reward for their deeds in life.

Spirit/Soul:   Exactly what they think it is, save for its ties to religion. Your being, as distinct from your body. Essentially the living quarters of the mind.

My Personal Beliefs

What perceive to be God, or whatever deity it is in which they believe, it is actually the universe itself. That is to say, every particle that has ever existed. It is omnipotent and omniscient. It is omnipresent and very real.

Utilizing Its Power

       We as humans have an inborn ability to connect and adapt to the things around us. People are generally unaware of the fact that the universe is not unlike our own environment. In history, you hear of miracles performed by prophets and leaders, but generally it’s quite evident that these people were being helped by the universe. Having no way to explain their own works of awesomeness, people usually thank God, simply because they’ve been indoctrinated of his omnipresence and omnipotence. Why shouldn’t they, when they have no other name to attach to that mysterious power? What I’ve named ‘Attunement’ to the universe can explain all of this. When one becomes attuned more and more to the universe, he/she gains more and more access to its power. A combination of attunement, willpower and sheer desire are a relatively powerful method of aligning the universe’s path to your own. The universe, having no feelings, won’t recognize the desire itself, but resistance to its own being. If the attunement and resistance are powerful enough, it will submit subjectively, depending also upon how it would alter the paths already set for the universe’s inhabitants.

Attunement

       How does one ‘attune’ him/herself? Essentially through what most religions perceive to be ‘faith.’ Meditation is an incredible source of attunement with proper usage. I strongly believe in the presence and influence of Chi (life force energy), and when meditation takes place, one’s Chi is doing its best to attune to the universe. At that point, all we have to do is let it.

Archives of the Universe

       The Archives hold all of the information that ever was, is, or will be. The Big Bang, having initiated in such concentration, already held all of this information, because built into that explosion was everything and everyone. Our likes, dislikes, tendencies, choices and preferences. What people usually call divine revelation is generally a sudden tapping into this information.

Anyway…

       Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against religion itself. It just saddens me to see people do what they’re told regardless of what’s right, rather than doing what they know is right regardless of what they’re told.

       “Distant Vision” by Kansas is one of my favorite songs. And though my application of its lyrics likely doesn’t match their intent, I feel that it applies well here: “To the kings I gave the mission, in the hopes that they would share, in the joy of setting countless captives free. But the lust for gold and power was luring them away, from a calling that began in purity.” Religion was always (ultimately) intended to be a positive, uplifting power. But people take it to extremes, leading to horrible tragedies such as the Spanish Inquisition, the Salem Witch Trials, the Mountain Meadow Massacre, or even 9/11.

       When this happens, it’s usually because the leaders of such organizations have gone corrupt themselves and religion becomes solely political while telling its members that they reap spiritual benefits in following its teachings. By doing so, religion came to rule entire countries. Most of Europe is Roman Catholic, due to many acts of their church.

       The political issues follow even into today’s society. For example, Proposition 8 got over 90% of its campaign funding from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. However, they claimed only to have donated around $2,000. They made deals with popular Christian leaders to stand as icons and figureheads so that the church itself wouldn’t be seen having a hand in the politics. It became extremely corrupt.